Yesterday our geocaching walk took us over a pedestrian bridge which crosses a major road in the region. 

                     


The whole height thing was made so much worse by the fact that there was traffic whizzing below it at 60-90 miles an hour (plenty of speeders here) and that all my children needed to get safely across too.  My oldest son took the youngest son, and my daughter went with them happily.  So it was middle son, myself, and DH with youngest daughter following closely behind..... until... middle son gets scared, and I start feeling panicky.  Real, heart-pounding, ready-to-cry panic.   So we go back down.  Dh goes over to join the others and leaves me with the two children on this side of the bridge.

DS1 comes back with the news that the cache, according to the GPSr is over a quarter of a mile away.  It will be a long wait, plus DH appreciates my help in locating the site and the cache itself (I have a knack in finding the actual object).    So I have to decide whether I will go or not.  I realize that my fear is keeping my family from enjoying themselves.  I think of a couple of people I know, whose fears are so extreme that they are kept from doing things they themselves could enjoy, or should do, and are keeping their families from enjoyment and good activities as well.

I decide I do not want to be that way.  I want to say, I do have sympathy for genuine phobias or other emotional problems.  But I feel a Christian should continually be trying to come out from under such problems and be moving forward - even in baby steps - wherever possible.  And in one of those cases I mentioned, I knew that to a certain extent the person is resting in their problem, and not really trying to go forward, and it keeps this person from all sorts of things that would benefit them and their family.  I am not trying to be unkind here as I write this, it is just that I could see that if I continued unchecked in indulging this fear, that it would only get worse, and limit me more and more. 

All this is happening very quickly in my mind.  I decided I did not want to be bound by this fear any more, that fear does not glorify God.  I knew that it was not a logical fear - I knew the bridge was strong, and that generally people were safe on it.  I knew that I was physically capable of crossing it.  So the problem was emotional - how I felt did not match what I knew.   I told DS1 to get Dad.  Dad came back over and I told him I'd go.  He hadn't realized until that day how strong my fear was (and I'm still not sure he understands such a fear).   DS1 escorted DS2, and then I began my ascent with DH taking DD2.  

I went slowly, avoiding looking through the spaces between the steps, or over the sides.   I just concentrated on where my feet were going.  I got up the steps to near the top but my anxiety increased although I was praying and trying to keep in mind the facts that it was safe and that I'd be OK.  I started crying and cried harder as I continued ascending - as I got to the top I was sobbing and felt difficulty in breathing- at one point I couldn't take a breath inwards.  Great, my body can take me across, the bridge won't fail, but I'm going to collapse with asphyxia because of my emotions!!

I did not want that bridge to conquer me.  If God could help David kill Goliath surely He could help me.  I wanted to glorify God and not be in bondage any more.  I kept going.  It got easier.  I felt quite happy although still nervous when I reached the other side and started down.  I made it!  Thanks to God for helping me!  I told David (dh) he should be proud of me (OK I needed some affirmation!!!).