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Apr 27, 2005
thoughts on elders and child-rearing
Today I'm thinking about two things, although one subject kind of flowed from the other. And the second subject will be familiar to many homeschoolers, but I am thinking about it again after a seminar I recently went to.
1 Timothy 3:1-7 (King James Version)
1This is a true saying, if a man desire the office of a bishop, he desireth a good work.
2A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, vigilant, sober, of good behaviour, given to hospitality, apt to teach;
3Not given to wine, no striker, not greedy of filthy lucre; but patient, not a brawler, not covetous;
4One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity;
5(For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God?)
6Not a novice, lest being lifted up with pride he fall into the condemnation of the devil.
7Moreover he must have a good report of them which are without; lest he fall into reproach and the snare of the devil.
I'm thinking about elders, but also about teachers.
James 3:1
1 Let not many of you become teachers, my brethren, knowing that as such we will incur a stricter judgment.
That one was from the NASB.
I'm going to be a bit vague here because I don't want to sound accusatory toward anyone. We see clearly in I Timothy the requirements for an elder. I wonder what ages the children mentioned in verse 4 are meant to be? I see using a Bible help (Crosswalk.com, which provides Strongs numbers and definition) that the word is teknon. It's the same word, I see, in Titus where Paul gives other instruction as to what sort of man should be an elder. Titus 1:5-10 but I'll only copy out verse 6, which has the word teknon for children in it:
v6 namely, if any man be above reproach, the husband of one wife, having children who believe, not accused of dissipation or rebellion.
It looks like from verse 10 that the part about rebellion refers to the man, not the children so we must not build too much on that.
But, we are at least talking about children who believe - who are of an age when they can believe so it is reasonable to assume that they are not real young. I don't know enough to know if young men who were of bar mitzvah age were then no longer considered children.
Am I assuming too much to think that teenagers would be included in the I Timothy and Titus passages? Or are we limited to children of ages say, 3 - 13 only? These are the ones who are to be in the prospective elder's control? Do older children count or not?
I am wondering about all this when I think about some well-known teachers in the evangelical arena.
What kinds of requirements should they have to meet? They are not necessarily functioning as elders in a local church and I have to say even the plain requirements for elders are not always adhered to in local churches, but do we have any requirements for the travelling teachers who suggest to us the best way to raise our children? Or teachers of any part of our Christian life?
I attended a meeting on Monday night that was OK as far as it went. But I just feel that we should be getting that kind of (very basic, to be honest) information from the pulpit as well as from the older members of our churches (Titus 2), and indeed we should be receiving even more specific and hopeful information than just love and show acceptance to your teens and just hang on because it will inevitably be a rough time.
I know there will be hormonal moments and that the teen years are simply a continuation of the training we started with our children many years ago, so I don't expect perfection. But I have from my own life, my husband's life. the testimony of many of my peers, and of some of the children of the older Christians that I know,the knowledge that teens do not always go off the rails. When I see large families being raised and notice the teens are pleasant, decent, people growing in their faith in Christ - not without faults, and not without some difficult times, but definitely without the heartache so many parents face - and then turning into decent adult Christians and citizens of their communities I take notice. And when one child out of 6 or 7 goes "wrong", it doesn't discourage me as much as when one child out of a family of two children is a tearaway. So what are these families doing right?
I'm a little disheartened when evangelicals are still -for over 20 years now - are being told - that there just isn't much one can do, and when a whole audience - who I know are not necessarily all Christians (and therefore I admit won't have or even know of God's standards) , are told that they have done the best they could do, so shouldn't feel that their unruly,difficult youths are their fault.
Have we all really done the best we could? I know that I have certainly failed - and this in the context of very actively trying to live according to God's instructions in every aspect of my life as each area is revealed to me in Scripture (it's a journey!). So those parents who chose material goods over raising their children themselves and stuck their children in daycare (NB I am not including here those parents who truly had to do so, just to make sure there was a roof over their heads and simple food on the table.), and before and after school care and let their older children roam in malls or city centers, basically being raised by the TV, computer and peers (of course not approved by the parents, if the parents even met them), these parents have no reason to regret anything? Is there no room for improvement for any of us?
I repeat that the suggestions were good as far as they went. Love your children. Show your acceptance of them (different than love according to the speaker). Have fun and laugh with them. A few good more nitty-gritty suggestions like keeping the computer in a high-traffic or visible area, not separate internet access computers in children's rooms. But I am saddened when these blanket, fairly basic things are all some Christian parents encounter by way of teaching. And no hope is given for expecting happy, pleasant, Christian teenagers at all. (if you get one then you were just lucky to get a compliant child is the feeling)
I agree with Mary Pride here (back to her again!) - if I remember correctly - that the best way to catch fish is to go to the person with fish on his line - not to the one who has fancy gizmos and great theories. With many other homeschoolers, and even many parents who don't homeschool but believe they have the responsibility and power to affect their children for good, I agree that one of the best ways to learn about Godly child raising - including teens - is to look at those families who have grown children who exemplify what you want to see in your own children. That and the Bible. Sounds simple enough. And I see the results - not 100% perfect, but still very good - in those who dare try.
Please leave a comment! I'd like to hear from you!
Posted at 06:00 am by Rosesandtea
 | | | Sarah
May 7, 2005 02:01 AM PDT
Hi, how refreshing to hear my own thoughts written down! It's difficult as looking back I see my own rebellion (although I never left church) but all my brothers and sisters did - they're all back now except one. In this day and age it is accepted as normal that there must be a time of rebellion and teenagers are really difficult. My own children are just 3 and 18months at the moment but I keep looking to what I can do to make sure they have good relationships with God. Looking back on my own experience although my Dad is a pastor and they have a genuine faith they didn't want to shove it down our throats and allow us to have our own decisions but it meant they didn't really teach us well enough, so don't leave the church to teach your children about God etc but do it yourself. My parents are very private people so unless I asked I didn't find out. Anyway thank you for writing your thoughts. | |
| | | Molly
April 30, 2005 03:04 PM PDT
Didn't hear the speaker, so I can't say much for that part. :o)
Thanks, btw, for letting me know about this post! I'm short on time at the moment, but full of opinions! HA!
Personally, I see no Scriptural precedent for a necessary time of rebellion.
However, in our society today, it appears to be very difficult to avoid this phase, when the entire "youth culture" has run amuck.
As a youth pastor's wife, we get to see both ends of the spectrum continually. :o) The families who really love God and act like it (meaning, they really really do, and it's not just a Sunday thing) and have natural loving warm relationships with their children seem to be able to avoid the "rebellion" thing in FAR greater numbers than the ones who have a fairly shallow Christian walk and a fairly shallow relationship with their teenager.
Homeschoolers also seem to have a much easier time keeping the rebellion at bay, probably mainly because their youth aren't surrounded by people telling them to rebel all the time. It's still a balancing act for them too--learning to walk that fine line of parenting a teen, meaning not treating them like they're 4 years old... but also not letting them call all the shots...and also dealing with the hormone surges, etc...
I'm going to have a lot more first-hand experience with this in ten or fifteen years (since my oldest is only 6.5). Right now, we're just watching the families who are doing it right and taking lots of notes. :o)
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| | | Ruth S
April 29, 2005 03:25 AM PDT
Hi Karen, just caught your page. I have to say that I *loved* Monday evening. It was so refreshing and honest! Being a bit of a prodigal myself I actually found his advice delightful. I've felt for too long that too many people have written books on 'their tried and tested way'. That if all we had was the proper formula our churches would be full and our children on track. When actually what is required is a listening ear to Him and a rooting and grounding in love. I've met a few families who have had delightful children, and believe that prayer and acceptance was probably the key factor (which he did mention, as well as loving discipline). I was actually challenged by the acceptance thing. Looking at the kids on my street, I think well , yeah I'll pray for them, but I know deep down I don't accept them. There are many people whom I struggle to genuinely, deeply accept. Yet surely this was the thing that attracted the 'gluttons and drunkards' to Jesus. I'm not sure what you were saying about Rob though. Did you feel he wasn't really qualified having had a wayward teenager? I think you might find his books 'The sixty minute Father' and 'The sixty minute marraige' possibly more meaty. The context of the evening was that of 'The lost generation', and I wonder if he was being audience appropriate. If you've a wayward teenager, you know you've probably gone wrong somewhere, I felt he was perhaps trying to offer people hope, as opposed to 'rubbing salt in'. Flaky? Maybe, but the fact that he has that guy living with him, for pretty much his entire married life; that his son has come through and that they obviously have a good relationship now, suggests to me that he probably qualifies as a shining example to most of the church : -) Sorry its so long ;-) | |
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